


How to Make Love Without Falling in Love

by evakayaki



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gay Sex, Homophobia, Love, M/M, Mentions of Heterosexual sex, Transgender, Transphobia, pre-transition, still some canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-02-22 23:22:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23702041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evakayaki/pseuds/evakayaki
Summary: A new fic from the author of "David and Matteo Make a Playlist."Can we choose who we love? Or is it really up to fate? Is it possible to love someone without really loving them?
Relationships: Matteo Florenzi/David (Druck)
Comments: 34
Kudos: 85





	1. Announcement




	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the about at my tumblr: [ https://evakayaki.tumblr.com/](https://evakayaki.tumblr.com/)
> 
> This story may be triggering as it will deal with pre-transition.

“I don’t get you bro.”

The room was filled with the remnants of the joint the boys had passed around, the smell lingering in the air. Three empty pizza boxes set somewhat stacked up on an end table. 

“What’s not to get?” Matteo coughed, sitting up from his position half sitting, half leaning against the wall. 

Jonas huffed, “You had the perfect girl! Like, she was totally cool.”

“For real, digga,” Abdi added. 

“You finally get a girl and you let her go,” Carlos shook his head. 

Matteo shrugged, taking a sip of his beer. “It’s been months. Why do you care so much?” 

“Your fucked-up man,” Carlos stood up. “I’m going to take a piss.” 

Abdi stood up as well, “Me too.”

“You just want to see my penis,” Carlos laughed. 

“I’m not gay, man,” Abdi protested. 

“Gay!” Jonas called from his position on the floor.

When the two finally left the room, Matteo slumped back down. He really didn’t know why things had ended with her. They had met a little over a year and a half ago. She had moved into his building and he’d see her in the halls sometimes. He had exchanged small talk that turned into actual conversations before mutual attraction gave in and she became his girlfriend. 

Things were easy. She understood him. He understood her. They just clicked and he never felt like he had to change himself for her. He saw how Jonas had acted around Hanna and how Carlos had been around Kiki in the beginning. But he never felt the need to try and impress her. She was his best friend and that was it. 

Matteo had lost his virginity to her eight months ago. Back when things seemed great. Wonderful. And he couldn’t believe that he got to have her. It had been her first time too. There was an excitement in the air, but also nervousness and anxiety. And as he laid on top of her, head buried in the pillow next hers, her legs wrapped around his hips, he knew without a doubt that he was in love. 

Then it all ended. She had come to him seven months ago, saying she was sorry. That she couldn’t do this anymore. That she was leaving. And then she was gone. Phone number disconnected. Email deleted. Instagram gone. All traces of _her_ disappeared. 

“Bro, you going to tell me what really happened?” Jonas took a deep breath, sitting up so he could look at his best friend. “It’s been almost a year and you never talk about her.” 

Matteo shook his head, “Don’t know. She was just…gone. We fucked and she left me.”

“Were you that bad?” Jonas tried to joke. 

“It was…amazing,” He could still feel her trembling beneath him, moaning his name in his ear. “Fuck. I don’t know.” 

Jonas made a grunt, “There are other girls out there. She was just one. Sara’s into you.”  
“Sara?” Matteo asked in surprise. 

“Hanna heard it gym. Apparently, Leonie was being nice to her to find out if you were single for Sara. And Sara and Leonie are best friends. Apparently, she wanted to give you time to get over your breakup.” Jonas explained much to Matteo’s amusement. 

“You sound like a chick flick,” Matteo laughed.

Jonas shrugged, “Just saying, dude.”

Matteo nodded. He hadn’t thought about another girl since he met her, but now, he was single again. But then again, he hadn’t really been attracted to any girl before she came along. She wasn’t like the other girls. He couldn’t place why. She was just…cool. And deep down he knew that was such a lame answer, but that was the only word he could come up with. 

“What’s wrong with being single?” Matteo asked. “You’re single.” 

“For now,” Jonas corrected. “There’s this certain blonde that has her locker next to mine.” 

Groaning, Matteo readjusted his position so he was laying on the floor. “I just…I want to know if she’s okay.”

“I’m sure she’s fine,” Jonas agreed. “I’m sure everything is fine. And she could come back.”

“Yeah, sure,” Matteo shrugged. 

“Bro! Kiki just texted Carlos. There’s a party going on at that abandoned army house!” Abdi exploded into the room.

“Army _base_ ,” Carlos corrected. 

“Fuck you,” Abdi said playfully, “And there’s chicks there! Come on diggy!” He looked at Matteo, almost begging him to say yes.

Jonas looked at Matteo, “Dude, we’re all high, maybe -“ 

“Fuck it,” Matteo nodded. “Sara going to be there?” 

“Probably,” Carlos nodded back. 

“You sure?” Jonas asked cautiously, getting to his feet. 

Matteo took a deep breath, “It’s been a while since… Might as well get out there.” A while was an understatement. Matteo knew exactly how long it’d been. Seven months, two weeks, three days. But who the fuck was counting anyway. 

“Fuck yeah!” Abdi exclaimed. 

“Fuck yeah,” Matteo agreed. He could feel Jonas’ eyes burrowing into him, but if anything, he could just drink himself into oblivion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Matteo was surprised at the noise coming from the building as he and the boys hoped the fence onto the property. 

“Aren’t there usually security people?” Carlos looked around, half expecting police to rush their group. 

“Took care of it,” Sam’s voice startled them. 

“Sam paid them off with beer,” Kiki threw her arms around Carlos. “Come on, this way,” She tugged her boyfriend along and the group followed. 

“Perks of working at a cafe,” Sam commented, and Abdi sided up to her. 

Matteo chuckled when Abdi tried to initiate a conversation. He knew the two had a casual thing they were doing, but he also knew that Abdi was probably more into her than she was into him. And every time. 

Groaning, Matteo saw the small opening that they had to crawl through. 

“Come on, it won’t be so bad. And there’s beer and girls down there,” Jonas briefly threw his arm around Matteo before following Abdi down into the basement. 

Matteo hesitantly followed the group down the death hole, as he had deemed it in his head, and then through the maze of stairs before they came out to an abandoned pool. 

“Shit, dude, this is awesome!” Abdi laughed trailing Sam as she climbed down the pool ladder.

“Chin up,” Jonas joked and also left Matteo alone and also following the others down into the pool. 

A part of Matteo wished he’d said no to coming now that he was here. There were more people than he thought. Some he knew, some he didn’t. But that didn’t really matter. The one person he wanted to see in that crowd, he knew wouldn’t be there. He also knew he had to get the fuck over her. It was too long to be hung up on this. But he guessed that’s how love worked in his life. It hurt the shit out of you and left you feeling like you were nothing. “Fuck love,” He muttered to himself. It was time to get laid. 

“Matteo?” A voice startled him, and he turned to see Sara standing there.

“Umm hi,” He muttered. “Sara.”

“Hi!” She smiled, “I didn’t know you were…I mean it’s cool you came.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Are you here with anyone?”

“Uh, nah,” Matteo shrugged, kicking the floor with his shoe. “Came with the boys.” 

“That’s cool,” Her smile never faltered, and Matteo thought it was odd that she was _that_ happy to see him. They hadn’t really ever talked before.

But he knew he should at least try, “Are you here with anyone?”

“Oh!” She gestured behind her. “Just Leonie and David.”

“Who’s David?” Matteo asked, as if he was supposed to know this person. 

“That’s right!” She exclaimed calling the other two over, “David just transferred. He’s in gym with Leonie and me.” Taking the lead, Sara took a step back. “David, this is Matteo.” 

Holding out his hand, “Hey, man. Matteo.” Matteo repeated his name. He didn’t know why; it just came out. 

“Yeah, hi,” The other boy murmured and reached out.  
When their hands connected, Matteo felt a spark of something familiar. He just couldn’t place it. 

“You want to head down with me?” Sara asked, interrupting his thought and he immediately dropped David’s hand. 

Matteo internally groaned and suddenly felt annoyance at the girl. “Sure,” He shrugged. “Umm, yeah…so see you around, maybe…okay,” He stuttered out towards David. 

“Right,” David stated in amusement, but there was also fear laced in his voice. 

“Okay,” Matteo repeated. “Okay.”


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay! If you follow me on Instagram, you know why. If you don't, please consider it because I give updates on chapters and fics over there!

**5 Months Later**

David sighed, shifting in his seat as his eyes kept wandering to a certain blonde a few spots over in the library. They had become somewhat friends ever since _that_ party, hanging out a few times at Matteo’s place when they were assigned a group project together. Matteo’s friends had also taken him in, allowing him to hang with them at lunch and a few parties here and there.

Matteo had mentioned his ex-girlfriend a few times. And David had nodded along. Not really knowing what to say. Because what David hadn’t told Matteo, or really anyone, was that he’d already met them. They already knew him. Or rather they knew “her.” And fuck, did that feel like a lifetime ago. 

No one knew he was transgender. And a small part of him would prefer they all think _she_ was an asshole, not that she was really _he_ , had always been he. 

And, shit, Matteo. He’d fallen in love with the boy in what seemed like the first second they met all those months ago. Matteo who held his hand and remembered small weird random details. David had joked if Matteo had been more motivated he could probably win quiz night somewhere. 

Then there was Matteo the soft spoken, loving, boy. Matteo, the boy he’d lost his virginity too and then left him shortly after. Something he’d carry with him as one of his best memories, but even that was tainted with one of his worst memories. 

He remembers vividly changing his phone number and getting on that train to Furstenberg. Saying goodbye in his head as Berlin passed by on the other side of the window. For some reason, he didn’t delete his email address immediately. Maybe he was being a martyr and wanted to see if Matteo would reach out to him. And sure enough, the boy had sent countless emails begging to know where _she_ was, desperate for any sort of answer. David trashed all the messages, finding it too painful to read Matteo’s words. But he did keep one. 

_I’m sorry. I love you._

It was so unlike Matteo to send something that so openingly expressed his feelings. But what could he do? Those months with Matteo had been amazing, but he also felt like was going to die the entire time. He hated being Matteo’s _girlfriend_. Hated having to pretend and smile and act the part because he didn’t know what else to do. And “hated” wasn’t even a strong enough word. 

What he really wanted was to be introduced as Matteo’s _boyfriend_. And shit, he tried. He tried so hard to fit in. To make his brain and his gender match. He had done the _girls_ nights with Hanna, Sam, Amira, and Kiki. Had told himself that every _girl_ went through that phase. Blamed it on penis envy. Blamed it on being a _tomboy_. But when excuses ran out, he felt awful because he had no clue what _this_ was. Until Google. _Transgender_.

And on _that_ night he’d gone to Matteo’s intent on telling his boyfriend everything. But plans are a bitch and fall apart. When Matteo started kissing him, he couldn’t stop. Drowned himself in the boy’s arms. Explanations and declarations be damned. And when Matteo finally pushed inside him for the first time, he thought maybe, just maybe he had been wrong about everything. That maybe he could just be with Matteo and that could be enough. But deep down he knew he was just delaying the inevitable. No, he hadn’t wanted to give that up. This person who he knew with every fiber of his being was the love of his life.

But he had to. And he’d left. 

When he’d moved back to Berlin, he’d told Laura he wanted to go back to the same school. He’d told himself it was because he knew that school, but really, he wanted to make sure a certain boy was doing okay. Because, despite his abrupt departure, he was still in love with the boy. Even if that boy had moved on. Because Matteo wasn’t gay. Matteo wasn’t pansexual or bisexual. Matteo was straight. 

“David?” A whispering voice poked him in the ribs.

Shaking his head, he looked up to see Sara’s face questioning him.

“Uh what?” 

“I asked if you’d film me and Matteo for the Abi-Ball couple nomination. I want to put it on Instagram.” She smiled leaning back into Matteo sitting next to her. 

David cleared his throat, “Why me?” 

“Because you want to be a filmmaker,” She shrugged.

“Uh, sure,” David didn’t really know what else to say. 

“Great,” She stood up, “I promised Leonie, I’d meet her to go dress shopping. You know, she’s going alone, right?” Sara raised an eyebrow at David. 

David shrugged, “We’re friends.”

“Right,” Sara chuckled, leaning down to press a kiss to Matteo’s cheek before hurrying off. 

A few moments of silence passed before David saw Matteo shift.

“You don’t have to do this,” Matteo spoke softly, shuffling so he was sitting in Sara’s newly vacated chair. 

David shrugged again, “It’s fine. She’s excited about it.”

“Right,” Matteo looked down at the book he was supposed to be reading and stayed quiet. 

“It’ll look good,” David offered, trying to break the awkward silence they’d fallen into. 

Matteo shrugged, “Doesn’t really matter to me.”  
“She’s your girlfriend. This is going to make her happy,” David tried again, cringing his words.

“Sure,” Matteo half-heartedly agreed, resting his head on his hand and looking up at David through his eyelashes. “ _Girlfriend_.”

“Well, she is, isn’t she?” David tried to keep any emotions out of his voice. 

“I guess,” Matteo sighed. 

David hummed in response. 

“My ex wouldn’t have given a shit about stuff like this,” Matteo commented, sitting up a little. 

“You might want to stop talking about your ex when you’re with someone new,” David felt his whole-body flush. “You weren’t with her that long.”

Matteo closed his eyes for a second. “We were together long enough.”

“You’ve been broken up for almost as long as you were together,” David felt his throat grow tight at his next words, “Maybe it’s time to get over her?”

“Yeah, maybe,” Matteo agreed. 

David cleared his throat, “I think…I’ve got to get home.”  
“Sure,” Matteo sat up fully. “Thanks man.”

“Any time,” David felt his cheeks heat up at the way Matteo stared at him. “So, I’ll, uh, I’ll let you know about the video.” As quickly as he could, he hurried from the library. 

It was getting harder and harder to keep himself in check when it came to Matteo. Every time the boy started to talk about his ex, all David wanted to do was scream that he was right there. 

But he didn’t. 

Couldn’t. 

_Wouldn’t._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my YouTube channel (that just hit over 1k subscribers!) <https://youtube.com/c/evakayaki>


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